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Annalee

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[November 10, 2009 3:51pm]
Alright it's time to bring this sucker back.

Little livejournal I've missed you. I'm sorry that I tried to abandon you during my need to "grow up" and "explore". Blogspot is a joke and tumblr is for wanna be hipsters. I now know that my heart and my words only belong to you.

First, I need to clean house and make the past entries FRIENDS ONLY. Second, I will post every day. Third .... well there is on third yet but I'm positive there will be a third thing that will need to be done.

Ah it's feels good to be home.

3

[February 11, 2009 5:40pm]
1. I hate crushes. They make me over sensitive about the smallest things.

2. I have big Valentine's Day plans - Dancing in Chicago with Ludo Amanda and Angst while we all rock oversized accessories in our hair.

3. I begin work next week Monday at 7AM. Technically I'll be training (aka I'll be in class) for 14 weeks but it's a paid training course. *throws confetti*

4. Did I mention I hate crushes?

5. As I mention in almost every LJ update, I'm going to work towards forgetting who Caleb is. However, come April, I'll be the same foolish girl again on the bus ignoring him while I drink the rest of his alcohol. 'Tis the cycle. But before I forget: Happy Birthday *hugs*

6. It's been nicer outside these past couple days but it's caused me to get a sore throat. Awesome.

7. Alyssa had a dream about Michael Phelps two weeks ago. Want details? Let me know.

In other news, we saw Ludo twice last week. Good times. Mostly because Ludo sing-a-longs are one of my favorite things in the world. Hearing "Girls On Trampolines" never fails to bring a smile to my face and every time we hear it, we always manage to act surprised. *giggles* Anyway we also got to spend a little time with Nate, our favorite pretend little brother of all time, and played at The Bean in Chicago despite the sub-zero temps outside. Photos are up on facebook. Ole!

*waves and welcomes 2009* [December 31, 2008 7:39am]
2008 WRAP UP:

It’s tradition, don’t you think?

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
-Where do I even start? This was a BIG year: Survived and conquered New Jersey, launched the merch 'space, found myself in a small room with my favorite Hanson boys where we chatted/giggled/bonded, had front row for a Hanson show – right, a stupid but OH SO HUGE moment, successfully but unintentionally - and painfully - stayed awake for 40 hours straight, went to a special “club” in St Louis, and found myself in a mess of trouble repeatedly thanks to Angst and a particular batch of boys.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
-I kind of did actually. I believe one of them was “Keep my eyebrows well groomed” and as vain as it sounds, it was really something I wanted to accomplish and I did. *throw confetti* The other 9 however I think were broken. Ooops.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
-No one close but I did know of people who had babies this year. 2008 will always be known as the year of “baby fever”. I want a ton of kids one day. Adoption seems to be my best option at this point.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
-Yes. I’ve had deaths in the family before but nothing hit me as hard as my grandfather passing away this early fall. Every time I think my family makes progress towards getting past our grieving stage, we backtrack. It’s normal though I suppose. I generally don't talk about it because well, who wants to listen to me cry? No one I'm sure.

5. What countries did you visit?
-Does Jersey count? Ha. No countries visited…..unless you count the time I snuck inside Stroik’s suitcase when she went to Rome. Didn’t realize I was in there Jess? That’s okay, I was really stealth like.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in most of 2008?
-Maybe reciprocated love with anyone I’m head over heels for already. That would be nice. I’d like to move too. That would also be nice.


7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
-There are but the one with the most humor attached to it: August 25th, 2008. My life was forever changed that day.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
-Hmmm. Perhaps what I’m doing today: leaving a comfort zone that I’ve become used to for the past 7 years. Moving on from a family and a life I’ve become so accustomed to is scary but I think it’s by far the BEST decision I’ve made for myself thus far. I’m quite proud and happy. I’m throwing caution to the wind! I’ll be broke but happy. Not a horrible way to live in my opinion.

9. What was your biggest failure?
-The fact that I didn’t accomplish the 1st thing on my new years resolution list. And that I really didn’t do anything to better my life. But that’s okay, I’m taking the steps I need now. Better late than never...even if I chose to wait to the last day of the year.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
-I don’t think I became TOO severely sick this year or suffered any real injuries. I’m often hurt or sick so nothing major really sticks out. That’s positive, right?

11. What was the best thing you bought?
-It’s a toss up between my precious iPhone Dwight and my 35mm fish eye lens camera. Both are equally as wonderful.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
- IDK.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
- My uncles. The End.

14. Where did most of your money go?
-To gasoline, Subway sandwiches, and toll booths. Lots and lots of toll booths.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
-I was pretty excited to venture to the East Coast in the beginning of the year and well, it seems that every month provided a new thing to become giddy about. I think almost everything I did that ended in disaster – aka leaving me with a broken heart – were the things I was most excited to do. Even though they always left me in shambles afterward, it was worth every minute.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
-HA. I was in love with Metro Station at the beginning of this year – you were too Angst, I know – so for sure, “Shake It’ is was the un-official song of the year just because we both racked up some serious play counts on it. Never mind the fact that I won’t want Trace within a 100 yard radius of me now...

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Dare I say happier? I’m much happier overall.


ii. richer or poorer? I think I’m the same actually. *pats back*


18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
-Seen my favorite Stroik more. Between Jess going to Rome and moving back to Milwaukee, I really didn’t her face TOO much this year. Boo.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
-Maybe less worrying. I wish I did less worrying and less lusting.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
-Christmas is gooooone man. It didn’t feel like Christmas at all to me, actually all holidays this year seem pretty blah to me, but I think a lot of people are feeling that way this year. It’s been a hard year for many.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
- True love? Zero times because true love involves TWO people. Two. Not one lusting after another.

22. How many times did you fall in love at first sight AKA how many unrequited loves did you have?
-Ah this question is more like it. I’ve had only two great loves this year: my “celeb” crush: Jason Mraz and my real boy crush: Caleb. I wish I could remember who my real boy crush was before Caleb. Hmm. I think it was Michael Guy. Is Michael Guy a real boy? I can’t keep track anymore. OOOOOH snap, I remember my real boy crush before Caleb: it was Tom. Good for nothing Tom. *shakes fist*

23. What was your favorite TV program?
-LOST. Chuck. Dirty Jobs. Paris Hilton Is My New BFF. THE HILLS. Gossip Girl – but only at the beginning of the year. Ugly Betty.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
-Indeed. Hate is a strong word but it’s well suited for that particular person.

25. What was the best book you read?
- *whispers* Twilight. LIES. The best book I think I read this year was “The Time Travelers Wife” but I didn’t do a lot of reading this year. I’m slowly seeping back into my old bookworm life with baby steps.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
-They were not a NEW musical discovery after seeing them live, my eyes were opened up the incredible word of The Hives. How I really lived before is beyond me.

27. What did you want and got?
-Nothing. I wish pretty hard for somethings but never actually attained them. 2009 will be different.

28. What did you want and not get?
-Everything.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
-THE. DARK. KNIGHT. It made the biggest impression on me.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
- I turned *gulp* 24 years old. I spent in Milwaukee the night with Jason who serenaded me that night under the beautiful purple lights at the Eagles Ballroom and then went out with some of the best for dancing and top model fun. Crazy lighted floor = us on the floor posing for fly photos. Oh and we made Chris get up and dance and I got to see my most favorite Kuber. Always a good time.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
-Knowing that I had moved on from high school with style and grace which is a lot farther than some people I used to know. Our “class reunion” really made me see that some things will NEVER change. I’ll always be the weird outsider that no one really knew. That’s fine. I am okay with that. However, I’m really sick of the, “OOOOOH Annalee you’ve changed to much! You look SO DIFFERENT” lines. What. Does. That Mean.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
-I wore what I wanted even if it made people scratch their heads. People in GB are so lame. My year was filled with sun dresses, oversized sunglasses, and scarves. Lots and lots of summer scarves.

33. What kept you sane?
-My iPod and my over active imagination. The two combined always created the most perfect escape from reality if I ever needed it.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
-Barack Obama. He’s pretty fly and clearly I liked him the most since he’s been my #1 friend on myspace all year.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
-Proposition 8.

36. Who did you miss?
- The #1 answer should be obvious (see question 4) but the least obvious answer: Old friends. In the wise words of LC, “You never stop missing a best friend”. Truer words have never been spoken. I still can't get over some things and I fear I never will.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
-Does Marc count? He’s by far the sweetest and nicest.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
- That life is what you make it and if you are unhappy, make the change. Take a deep breath and dive in head first. It’s the only way to make things better. Those words are cheap until you witness and experience it yourself.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
-”It’s a terrible thing to know what you want and to know you can’t have it at all” and *drumroll* “Just shake it”

I'm always on the search [December 23, 2008 11:03pm]
Fact:  My sister - The Kid - hates jokes and being teased.

Fact: My whole life is one big joke and I'm hardly ever serious - especially when it comes to that kid. 

I constantly am cracking jokes, being sarcastic, and teasing the hell out of her.  She then response with tears and anger. Our personalities clash like WHOA.  If we weren't sisters, I'm pretty sure we'd never speak.

Anyway, I already forgot what we were talking about on the phone earlier but she said something that prompted me to say, "Well just for that, I'm keeping your Christmas present for myself.  You aren't getting one for me."

Her Christmas present: an assortment of Jonas Brothers buttons and photos from our time at their show at Summerfest.

Clearly things I don't want for myself - except for maybe the Joe Jonas pin.  I might sneak that into my pillow at night. Ssshh. Don't tell.  It's something about his wavy dark messy hair that gets me every time.  Le sigh.  And I know, I know - he's a lot younger than me.  What else is new in my world?  MOVING ON and going back to my story:

The Kid bursted out into a fit of anger and hung up on me.  Awesome.  Cue my father calling me back .0005 seconds later asking me what I said to make her so upset.

Me: "A joke. A mere joke that I was going to keep her Christmas present for myself"
My dad: " Well she's thirteen years old Annalee.  13 year old still believe you if you say they aren't going to get their X-Mas presents"

O_o

Really dad?  I think I might want to argue that.  I mean, she's 13 years old!!  You know, I'm pretty sure The Kid is NOT ready for high school next year if she's really going to act like that over a joke.  I'm suddenly even more worried for her.


Back on the Joe Jonas topic, can someone find me an older version of him?  Someone slightly dumb, funny, and shares the same humor as me with dark wavy thick hair? Thanks. I greatly appreciated.

7

To all my livejournal readers.... [December 21, 2008 8:46pm]
*waves*

Hello Everyone.

I know a ridiculous ton of people stalk my livejournal so it only seems fitting that I ask here:


Does anyone know who I need to get in contact with to get a booth set up on Warped Tour? Drop me a comment on here or where ever you see fit.

Thank you, thank you, thank you in advance,

Annalee

[December 21, 2008 11:59am]
I put in my two weeks notice at my job on Wednesday.

It's by far the scariest decision I've ever made but I'm hoping - although it being foolish - that it will be one of the smartest decisions in my life.

After 7 faithful years of being with one company, I am moving forward with no game plan or faint idea in my mind. Ridiculous? Yes. Incredibly irresponsible? Double yes. Do I care? Not at this point.

I've been shuffled around three times in the past 7 years and this new position I was in was the worst fit of them all. My mental health is suffering and emotionally I'm worn to the brim. And let's not forget my stress level. I hate to admit that I've felt nothing but stress since the day I entered high school till now - total of 9 years now - and my stress level with this new job title change had reached an all time high. I really don't remember the last time I didn't feel stressed.

Such a sad thing to admit.

I'm looking forward for this ugly burden on my life to be gone but then again, a whole new level of worry begins. Even though this whole new level of worry should frighten me to the point of no return - I'm actually looking forward to it. I'd rather be unemployed than be at my job for another minute longer. That's pretty sad to admit too.

Besides the stress level of my job - there is also the stress of life itself. My father recently had photos developed of my mom and sister's ill fated trip to see my grandparents. I flipped through them quickly and had an emotional breakdown. The sight of my frail grandparents was too much for me to handle. My grandfather is gone and I'll never see him again; I didn't even get to say goodbye. My grandmother who's still alive, but who I'll never see again either given the current state of my extended family. Both of my grandparents fill my heart with un-bearable sadness and I've found myself in constant tears since seeing those photos.

I'd rather skip Christmas in general this year. For the first time ever, I have zero Christmas spirit. I haven't listened to Christmas music, decorated, or have even the holiday a second thought. It's the furthest thing from my mind and for that reason, I'm happy to skip it this year. Not because I'm bitter or sad but because it doesn't seem to exists to me this year.

I'm also walking around with guilt because I almost feel guilty for feeling so sad. I have friends, family, and co-workers who are also feeling sadness and grief this Christmas so I'm trying my best to help all of them because everyone needs a shoulder to lean on. Do I really have the right so feel this sad when people around me are feeling the same way? I don't think my tears aren't as justifiable as other people's tears but that could just be my never ending insecurity talking. Anyway, I've been trying to shut down and hide my sadness for quite a while now but it's getting to point that I can't anymore.

My Debbie Downer update aside, I sincerely hope that the holiday season for you all is going splendid and is full of life, love, and happiness. Christmas is the most magical time of the year, right? Here's to hoping for a Christmas miracle and a little big of magic to bless my family and friends on Christmas Eve.

This is starting to reach a whole new level... [December 15, 2008 10:29am]
Fact: I am boy crazy. That no secret.

I'm also boy crazy about boys that are either wrong for me or are completely innapropriate for me to crush on.

....That also isn't a secret.

I need to end this ridiculouness and focus on my life. With that said, one of my new years resolutions:

No more boys named Matt and no more boys that live more than 15 miles away from me.

It's perfect. Let's hope it sticks.

Holler, holler, it was my birthday! [November 25, 2008 10:49pm]
My birthday pretty much ruled. It was by FAR my best birthday...ever. What tops having the love of your life serenade you in front of thousands in the oh so magical ballroom where the lights where set at a perfect twinkle purple? Nothing.

Remember when I said on my myspace that I hoped to meet Jason Mraz one day so I could awkwardly proclaim my love to him? And remember when I wanted a re-enactment of this video as my birthday present?




Well 1 ½ was accomplished; the latter being fully accomplished which let's be honest, it was the most important. *high kick* I'm getting ahead of myself though. Let us start at the beginning.

Since I've turned 19, I've had a string of bad birthdays:

Age 19: I spent it in the dorms watching Empire Records with Sarah and Mel as we munched on peanut butter m&m's. All in all not too horrible until I throw in the fact that Megan came back home drunk, tried to sing me happy birthday and before passing out on the futon, she managed to puke all over and who was left to clean it? Me. The movie marathon was canceled and I spent a majority of my time trying to make my room not smell like puke.

Age 20: Hell, I don't even REMEMBER turning 20. What does that mean?

Age 21: Holy horrible. I had the weekend planned out perfectly: Madison to see the wholesome fun boys of Epic Hero and then roadtripping to TWO Hanson shows. Excellent, right? I woke up that Friday with a funky feeling in my face and by the time we reached Madison, my right eye wouldn't stop watering. Cue Justin going, "Come on Annalee, sing! "Hello, hello, it's good to be back again." at the very moment I realized that my right eye wasn't shutting. $250 emergency room visit, a $300 doctor visit, a $2,500 MRI scan later...

I was diagnosed with Bell's Palsy. Awesome. Google it if you like, it's pretty horrific. My doctor predicted that I wouldn't fully recover and there was nothing he could do to help me. Worst. Birthday. Ever. I sank into a deep depression until late January when my face fully cleared up. I'm still scared to this day it will come back.

Age 22: Don't really remember that either. Interesting. I take that back, I don't think anything exciting happened but I do recall George playing "21 and Invincible" on my way home from work and I cried because I was done being 21.

Age 23: I don't even want to discuss it because it just leaves me sad.

Nevertheless, I was not jazzed about my birthday this year. The big part of the problem is that when I was younger (AKA ages 1-18) all my birthdays were magical. Clearly I was spoiled and when my birthdays stopped living up to years past, I grew salty and didn't understand why. I especially didn't understand why I was getting such bad karma since I tried to make other people's birthdays special.

Determained as ever and after having an AMAZING birthday herself, Angst decided to put my day into her capable hands to make sure I had a good birthday. Between her and Stroik - it was a success.

I've been a Jason Mraz fanatic since I was 18. I bought his fist album when I was a senior in high school with a Barnes and Nobles gift card I had received as some senior/confirmation gift. Since there weren't any books I wanted at the time, I wandered into the music section and found the little gem that was "Waiting For My Rocket To Come." Of course, it was ridiculously overpriced but it didn't matter thanks to my snazzy gift card.

Over the years I've collected over 200 or so Mraz songs and every time I discover a new bootleg recording, I fall in love all over again. Needless to say, I'm a pretty serious Mraz fan and tried countless of times to see him the past years - every time being less success than the prior attemps. A few months ago, I saw in my weekly Rave newsletter that he was coming to town..on my birthday.

After calling Angst and Stroik in a panic, tickets were bought, plans were made, and the waiting game began. About a week ago, Jessie found out that KISS FM was giving away meet and greet passes and like the stellar friend she is, she cashed in her precious KISS Klub points to pick up a pair of passes. Normally I'm 100% against meet and greets because they are SO informal and quick. I like meeting people on my own time in an un-typical fan situation. However, since Mraz is nearly impossible to meet on anyone's own terms, I agreed to the meet and greet even though I wasn't feeling the situation.

Amanda and I left on Friday to the Rave around 10:30AM to sit in line for Mraz. All I really wanted was to be front row and by the grace of angels, the Rave passed out numbered tickets of which we scored numbers 5 and 6 (Krista and Adam) and 19,20,21 (Me, Amanda, and Jessie). We checked into the hotel, did some video blogs for the merch 'space and then Jessie and I headed out to the meet and greet where I was dreading the ultimate word vomit that was going to happen in front of Jason. I'm already a rambler and if nervous, I ramble more and usually end up saying things that I probably would not have said otherwise. Case in point:

Me: So any plans on your time off?
Michael: I'm getting my wisdom teeth taken out in January. I've never had dental surgery but everyone tells me it'll be a breeze. I'll be eating a lot of pudding I guess.
Me: *word vomit* Well be careful, I got a horrible gum infection after my wisdom teeth were removed. They took a big long needle and shot my gums four times with some random medication. It was brutal. I think it happened because I was so sick off of the anesthesia and I threw up as soon as I got home. All that stuff must have gotten into my gums...
Michael: Ha. Well.I'll try my best to avoid...all of that.

Oooo and let's not forget the time I confused Tom's chest hair for a tie. I blame my lack of glasses and the fact that Jessie was so high on life that she wasn't listening to anything I was saying so she didn't correct me until it came out of my mouth. I blame her for the bad luck I've had with Tom since then. Totally kidding Jess..

Kinda.

Anyway I was nervous about what kind of word vomit would come out of my mouth with Jason. He's in fact my #1 love and I'm so in lust with him that if I EVER get married in the future, my future husband will have to live with the fact that my heart completely belongs to another guy and that I'd leave him in a second to be with Mraz. Sound psychotic? I thought so.

Somehow I snapped out of nervous mode and walked up the Jason without a care in the world, introduced myself, and declared it my birthday. Cue Mraz wrapping his arms around me while he wished me a happy birthday and as the hug was ending, Jessie began talking to him asking him if he'd play my favorite song for me. I let go of his embrace like a non-psychotic person would do but instead of dropping his arms as well, Jason shook his head while talking to Jessie and pulled me for a snuggle with both arms. We stayed spooned up until the photo was taken and I'm not going to lie, I snuggled my head against his neck and decided to smell him.

O_o

Cleary I went back into psychotic fan girl mode. Ooops. My bad. But for the record, he smelled super clean like soap and fabric softener.

Mraz either didn't notice or appreciated the nuzzle or was too busy running his hands all around me to think twice about my nuzzle against him. The photo was then taken, he kept repeating my name and called out happy birthday a few times as I walked away floating on a cloud.

Jessie and I stayed inside as long as possible to avoid the cold and eventually wandered out to find Krista, Adam, and Amanda who were all shaking in the cold. We all thankfully ended up together in the front row in the ballroom towards Toca's side and settled in for a perfect night. Jason plowed through his set list and had yet to play "After An Afternoon" - the song that was requested for my birthday - when he left the stage. I wasn't going to hold my breath hoping that he'd play it. I was perfectly content being in the front ... dancing away.

So out Jason came for his encore, Toca in toe, and he took a breath, looked directly at me, and said, "This one is for Annalee on her birthday" as he began to play for first opening chords to "After An Afternoon".

I melted into a puddle.

Amanda scrambled for her camera to record it.

Adam was ready to throw knives at my head.





For a solid 3 minutes and 29 seconds, Jason sang a beautiful version of my most favorite to me with his eyes shut oh so tight and sweet. It was perfect and left everyone wondering, "Who is Annalee and why is she getting her own song?"

Afterward, while Angst and I were looking at merch, Jessie came running frantically at us with his set list and *tada* there it was immortalized forever, "After An Afternoon for Analeigh." Let's ignore the fact that he murdered the spelling of my name and focus on the fact that he had every intention of playing it that night. *high kick* I joked with my family that I was going to legally change the spelling of my name and surprisingly, my mother was very supportive and said, "Well, if that's what you want, I'm not against it."

Waaah what?






After leaving the Rave on a high of all highs, we drove back to the hotel to get dressed to go out. I blew out my candle, our poofy party dresses were put on, flowers were glued onto our hair, and we set off for a fun night. Errr, more like we set off to go dancing for an hour and half. Kuber, Chris, and Alyssa came out with us and together we celebrated my birthday. I'm pretty sure Amanda and I were the only dancing but 'tis just how it is. The three drinks I had put me completely under which left me sick for our roadtrip of the weekend. *le sigh*

Bottom line: Mraz is my one true love forever and I indeed hate alcohol. Best. Birthday. Ever.

4

Hot damn. [November 24, 2008 9:22pm]
I suffer from this:

http://www.rr.com/view/content/story.cfm?storyId=6274389&view=LIVING&sSect=LP1-T2VGEN&trProv=LI_AP_1

*ahem* [November 19, 2008 10:44pm]
Dear Nair -

Your waxing strips are a piece of **** and are probably the worst hair removal product I've ever purchased. I never plan to buy them again mostly because it left me looking like a moron.

Please go out of business,

Me

2

Time out - but keep the tapes rollin' [November 17, 2008 9:38pm]
So long TRL - it was nice knowing you.

Who watched the "last" TRL episode last night? *raises hand in the air* I did. Carson Daily came back to host and it was such an AWESOME trip down memory lane. The Kid watched a small part of it with me and she was of course totally unaware of how amazing TRL used to be. It made me kind of sad that she missed out on all the goodness and would have no great memories of those kooky VJ's of years past.

Jesse Camp, Dave Holmes, Quddus, and Hilary Burton all made appearances which, of course, left me nostalgic. Who remembers the VJ search? I remember that I was too young to enter when they had it but I voted pretty hardcore for Dave Holmes who..sadly..lost. In the end, Dave got the last laugh since he was a more permanent fixture on MTV than Jesse could ever hope to be.

And who remembers when Quddus used to "co-host" Mandy Moore's show on MTV? Ahh the memories.

John Norris also made a appearance, who I'm pretty sure is still employed with MTV, and the only person that was missing was the one...the only...Kurt Loder. God I love those guys. I remember when I used to only watch MTV on the weekends and 10 minutes to the hour, every hour either: John, Kurt, or Serena would pop on my TV and give me latest news. I loved it. It was if they kept me company if I was home alone.

Overall - great send off - and I'm not going to lie I'm probably going to watch it again.

P.S. Who else feels that TRL already died back when Carson left the show? Mmm. That's what I thought.

On another note: I went to the Rave on Friday to see Mayday Parade and All Time Low. First of all, the show was advertised as 'sold out' on the marquee and even through it was packed to the brim - the box office was STILL selling tickets to people who were coming. I know because I stood in line at the will call window, at the guest list window, at the 2nd will call window downstairs, AND the the 3rd will call window also located downtstairs. I couldn't believe they were still selling tickets. The last time I remember the Rave being that packed was when I saw Regina Spektor October 2007. Bodies all sandwiched in, no breathing room, yet everyone, like at the show on Friday, was happy. The main difference between the Regina show and the ATL show is the lack of moshing. Obviously everyone at Regina stood perfectly still 'n silent while she played and at the ATL show - it was like we were back at Bamboozle fighting for our lives.

Ha.

Right. Slight exaggeration but it did bring back Bamboozle memories. I entered the Rave a lot later than I had anticipated - I circled the Rave for a solid 25 minutes looking for a spot and ended up in a really questionable part of a street we sometimes park on. The street itself wasn't really the problem - it was the location of the street that I chose that was iffy. As I was walking to the Rave, keys in hand and phone in the other,, two police officers on bikes gave me the once over. The look was pure, "What. In. The. Hell. Is. This. Girl. Doing. Here." which of course made me more nervous than I already was. One of them peddled closer to me and asked if I was okay and with a frantic nervous wave of my hand I shouted, "Oooh I'm fine!!! Thank you!!!" and kept speed walking. Looking back, I probably should have asked them to walk me up to Wisconsin Ave. Ooops.

Before I go any further or before you start calling me a baby/wuss/whatever let me say this:

I am not afraid of The Rave. I'm not afraid of the neighborhood it's in or the contents inside the venue itself. Now the venue is certainly not in Mr. Rodger's neighborhood but as long as you don't venture too far from it - you're okay. Now where I parked that night, that was something to be afraid about.

Needless to say, as soon as I got in, I pretty much kissed the floor and felt good again. After I was sent all over for my will call tickets, I made it inside the club where there was of sea of people surging towards the stage, crowd surfing, and moshing in some areas. I was convinced I'd never find Amanda in that mess who for the record, I did find eventually.

I nestled myself on our traditional left side next to a pillar and maneuvered my way up as close as I could. It's habit really. I don't mean to get uber close to the stage but my concert instincts kick in and I also find myself moving with the crowd or moving up to an open spot that becomes available. I blame Hanson for that.

I was not by any means a Mayday Parade fan. I hadn't really listened to their music, I hadn't seen them live, and really was only there to see All Time Low. Well damn. I left a mega fan. They TOTALLY won me over hardcore. I fell in love. Mayday Parade for the win. It was pretty hard NOT to walk away a fan with the atmosphere that was in that room that night. Everyone in the crowd was so enthusiastic and full of love for that band that it was over the top infectious. I was so happy I got to be part of it.

As for All Time Low - I'm glad I finally got to see them. I probably will not ever spend the money to see just them again but they kept me entertained. Their light show, however, was something less to be desired. They took a page right of Coldplay and it was seriously over the top. I started to feel nauseous and I'm pretty I was on the verge of a seizure. Not cool. I popped on my sunglasses to help and I was semi okay the rest of the night.

I'm off to go listen to my super awesome new Mayday Parade album! *high kick* *jazz hands*

4

Must. Find. Privately. Sponsered. Cheer. Program. In. Texas. [November 10, 2008 12:54pm]
Good weekend.

I apologize for the lack of update as of late. Apparently I have a life outside of livejournal? Gah and I have yet to properly update about our "no destination" roadtrip that put us in St. Louis. The debauchery and ridiculousness that happened that weekend will forever be burned in my memory but at least, unlike Angst, I'm missing some key visuals. However, the more I think about it, I almost rather have the real images burned in my eyes because what I'm imagining in my head I think is a little worse.

Hmm.

Bottom line: That roadtrip was probably the WORST roadtrip I've ever been on but because it was so god awful - it's probably my favorite and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Again, that entry will strictly be friends only to protect the wholesome Capri Sun perfect image of a band that is adored by so many tweens. Snap I've already said too much.

Angst and I spent practically our entire weekend in Milwaukee at Tuner Hall and at...a cheerleading competition. That's right, a cheerleading competition. Amanda said it best when she said, "I feel like we stepped into a mini 'Bring It On.'" Ha. It was so true. Everywhere you turned there were mini cheerleaders everywhere in full on glitter, make-up, sparkly spanx's, and high ponytails. The world of competitive cheerleading a serious and costly one...and I fully plan on making my future daughter do it.

Why wasn't I a privately sponsored cheerleader when I was 5 years old?! I was DEPRIVED of such an amazing technicolor world.

That's where we spend a part of our day on Sunday, in West Bend, watching kids do backflips and dance formations to the music of High School Musical and the Jonas Brothers. Amanda's cousin's daughter is part of the Green Bay Elite Team - who's outfits were pretty poppin' - and she totally nailed all of her flips. So cute. I think some of their cheer footage might end up in a future Merch Girl video blog. Ha. Stay tuned just in case.

Saturday we went to Turner Hall to see Cavashawn and part of Northern Room's last show..ever. I'm not quite sure Northern Room called it quits, I think calling Michael or Micah personally asking them would cross over into the "awkward" territory, so I'll just leave it up to speculation I guess. Amanda and I, as usual, shopped at Bayshore Mall - our shopping consists of Forever 21 and the Apple Store - so by the time we made it down to Turner Hall - the traffic for the Bucks game was bananas.

Alright who knew there was a Bucks game that night? I had no idea. After circling for 15 minutes - and pretty much reliving our G's on T's memories we had back in May - we finally settled into a parking garage where we received a super awesome parking spot which was deemed the "cute girl" parking spot after being denied a "cute girl" discount on parking. Ha. Gotta take what you can get, right?

Inside Chelsey found us right away and we settled into spots on the left. I'm not sure what it is about the left side but that's where I always seem to gravitate towards at any show. Is there a theory behind it? Anyone? Because I certainly don't know why we always end up on the left. Cavashawn of course played a good set, I'm pretty sure Chelsey walked away a fan if she wasn't already, and let's not forget to mention the older tall bald headed man in the crowd. Judging by his bouncing and arm gestures, I think he had the best time out of everyone in the crowd ;)

Anyway add them on myspace if you haven't already: www.myspace.com/cavashawn.

P.S. I found two dresses at Forever 21 for my birthday. Both are short puffy pretend faux satin dresses - one red and one purple-ish one - and Amanda suggested I pull a Super Sweet Sixteen move by having an outfit change. Thoughts? I think I've pretty much settled on wearing the red one just because it's such a "LOOK AT ME!!!!1111oneoneone" dress but I'll post photos nevertheless.

Let the birthday countdown begin: 11 days.

"Guys I changed the car icon on my GPS to a Chipotle burrito..." [October 14, 2008 8:41am]
Bah last weekend! Totz fun.

Locksley. Window shopping in Chicago. Forever 21 heaven/hell. iPhone cases. Fisheye lenses. John McCain for Grandpa stickers. The Beat Kitchen. Veggie burgers and pizza. Ear piercing shrieks from the 15 yr olds in the first few rows. "Darlin' It's True". Dramatic sign language. GPS's. Fog. ROCK THE VOTE.

My only question, "Where is Aaron Collins"?! *giggles* I joke. It's only a joke man.

After the show, I found out that Sam never made it down to the Rave pool because was locked. Curses! The quest to the Rave pool continues for all of us. I must remember to send him those youtube clips I found the other day. One of the videos I found gave me the ultimate creeps but yet....made me want to venture down there even MORE. Bananas.

Oh and Locksley on a tour bus? So swanky.

Kisses,

Annalee

P.S. The openers rocked man. The Hymns = ridiculously good and fun. I was already digging them after the first song but they completely took a piece of my heart when they covered "American Girl". Any band that covers that particular song automatically has both my stamp of approval and my praise. Go add them on the your space on the internet and shove them in your top friends. They deserve it...trust me. Have I steered you wrong yet? I didn't think so. Go go go!

P.P.S. After you are done friending The Hymns on your space, go outside to your nearest newsstands at pick up the new AP magazine if you haven't yet ;)

Dyed by her own hand.... [October 10, 2008 2:11pm]
I just come to a conclusion:

What ever signal Amanda and I send out to Jonathan’s radar is clearly the same one I sent out to Mr. Morris's radar. Both are done un-intentionally and I wish those vibes would be sent to the boys I actually adore.

I threw up twice yesterday when I was working out. Right. Like you really wanted to know that, hmm? In all fairness though, you ARE in fact reading MY livejournal and I can pretty much talk about whatever I want. You can either chose to close the window or continue on.

Again, I threw up twice yesterday when I was working out. The people around me think it happened either because: 1. I ate a mere 20 minutes prior to my workout or because 2. The trainer worked out us a little too hard yesterday. I personally think it's a combination of the two. Regardless, I got sick, proceeded to toss my cookies, pounded some water, shook it off, and went back out where I finished my workout. Dedication or absurdity?

I felt very Travis Barker like because as soon as I left, I remembered an episode of the "Meet The Barkers" where Travis wandered into absurdity land too. If I remember correctly, he was on this stationary bike sweating up a storm when he grabbed his water bottle to take a drink. As he sipped, he tasted something warm and slighty salty and *tada* he had taken a drink of his own urine. Mmm. Apparently when he's working out, he's determined not to stop so to aid his dedication, he used a bottle to relieve himself. However that's not the point to my story even though that's pretty ridiculous in itself. Instead of jumping off his bike to....well I don't know....dry heave, brush his teeth, ect....he screamed out in horror but continued peddling his bike. Why? He still had 3 minutes and 25 seconds to go. Like me, he wasn't going to stop until he finished a proper work out.

I feel that we have the same workout mentality and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Anywho, off I go to search for the ultimate west hollywood black dress that is sure to make Caleb do a double take and maybe trip a little. So jazzed ;)

Let's Start The Show [October 09, 2008 8:55am]
Breaking news: Joe Jonas and Taylor Swift have broken up via the telephone. The end of "TOE" has arrived.

I just felt the need to share since 90% of my friends list on livejournal reported the same news. I forgot to tell The Kid this morning but eh....she'll find out eventually I'm sure. Her Jonas Brother 'tween radar is always on.

Anyone watch Project Runway? I am BEYOND upset. I really wanted Jarell, Leanne, and Korto to make it to the end that way, no matter who won...I'd be elated and happy. But nooooo....they eliminated Jarrell and kept KENLEY?! In the years I've watched Project Runway there has only been one other person that I've despised as much as Kenley and that person was the malicious Wendy Pepper.

I don't like Kenley's attitude, I don't like that fact that Kenley is stuck in the 1940's, I don't like her laugh, I don't like her designs, I don't like the way she treats Tim, I don't like the way she talks to the judges, I don't like that she's SUPER disrespectful towards the other designers when they are on the runway, I don't like ANYTHING about her but by far the worst thing about her is her attitude. They should have eliminated her just for her sour and pompous demeanor.

Newsflash to Kenley, no one will want to work with you with an attitude like that. Where is Fern Mallis when you need her? The best advice Fern has ever given aspiring big designers is: STAY HUMBLE AND POLITE. Arrogance won't get you anywhere.

If Kenley wins PR, consider me voiding the show from my life. I really really really really really really want Leanne to win. She's my favorite by far but in case she doesn't win, I'd be just as happy if Korto would win. Bah next week should be interesting.

My time at the YMCA has been going well. The scale still hasn't moved - I've been at this for about 14 weeks now so you know, you'd think I'd see some changes....even if just my clothes would fit better - but it looks like I'm a sitting duck.

Our trainer is pregnant, she's due in February, and so the time she spends with us is limited. On the days she doesn't come in, we have a sub that comes in who I kind of despise. I don't like the way she works us out, I don't like the fact that she doesn't participate with us, and I don't like that she had SUCH an attitude with me because I was lifting with "ONLY" a 9 pound bar.

Listen up lady, I have really weak arms. The fact that I can even pick up the 9 pound bar and use without hurting myself is a miracle in itself. My arms are little and I have zero muscle tone in them. If they made a smaller bar, believe me, I'd be reaching for that one instead. When I do two free weights instead of the bar, the max amount I pick is up 2 or 3 pound dumbbells.

So let's do a little math. If I have two 3 pound dumbbells....that equals the equivalent to a.....9 pound bar! According to my calculations, I'm right on track. *shakes fist*

So 8 more days until the big fun weekend. I'm slightly concerned about a shirt dress I recently bought that I planned to wear that weekend. Despite the fact that my parents insisted that it wasn't short...I can't but help feel self conscience. I'm the last person in the world that will show any skin so the fact that the dress

[October 08, 2008 8:46am]

I really must have been sleep deprived when I finally crashed on Monday night. I stayed in the exact same position all night and slept through my alarm the next morning. 

 

1. I never stay in the same spot all night long. I'm notorious for finding my blankets on my floor in the morning.

2. I have never EVER slept through an alarm before.

 

Yikes. Bikes.

 

Go pick up the new AP magazine.


  

What else, what else....

 

On Sunday Angst and I spent the day in Milwaukee shopping and went to the Rave see Relient K that night where we found our favorite Ludo Amanda.

 

*crickets*

 

Right. So it was Relient K's headlining tour but we totally didn't go to see Relient K. In typical Angst and Lyons fashion, we meant merely to see all the opening bands. Why do we continue to do that? Bah. It's not really a waste like you might think though. Let's say a tour has three openers and that we like all three openers. And let's say they play 30 minutes each. That's an hour and half of good times and music. TOTALLY worth it. 

 

First up that night was House of Heroes. On the way down, Amanda was insistent that we had seen them before. I kept telling her that she was wrong and she only thought that because their band name was a mix of other band names. Turns out I was wrong. We HAD seen them before. Oops. Anyway I fully enjoyed their set and found myself bopping around. I believe they even through in a cover? Maybe? I can't recall.

 

Next up was This Providence. I have to be honest; I have a really hard time getting through their album. I'm not sure what it is but I'm honestly tried multiple times to get through it at least once. It has yet to happen. I went in knowing one song, the name escapes me but it was on our merch myspace for a while, and upon finding out that it was going to be played, I was content sitting through the rest of their songs.

 

I'm happy to report that they won me over. This Providence = good in my book. I really enjoyed their songs live and they even brought tears to my eyes during their "acoustic" hour. The song that was sang was the ultimate love song in my opinion and I pray to God that one day I find someone that loves me that much. *sigh*

 

After suicide threats from Amanda, the ultimate love song left her in an ultimate depression mode, we started to psych ourselves up for Ludo who we haven't seen since Warped. The amount of times we've seen Ludo in a year span is ridiculous. Correction, ALL the bands we've seen multiple times in this one year span is ridiculous. Bah but who cares what people think man. Nothing beats live music in my book.

 

Ludo apparently has a "temporary" replacement bass player and the future of Marshall being in the band is TBA. I know nothing else. That's all I got via the stage so don't ask man.

 

I have to say, I really really really really liked the new guy. He totally changed the dynamic of the band for the best and was SO playful. It was definitely the most fun Ludo set to watch. Ludo was already a super fun awesome band this guy just brought them up to an even higher level. Can the new guy stay? Please?! He can quit his other band, right? I'm foreseeing a TON of positive responses being thrown their way.

 

A few days ago, I had actually told Angst my theory of bass players always being the one to leave the band and what generally happens afterward.*TADA* it looks like it might hold true for Ludo so in all fairness, if my theory hold up.....that only means great things for Ludo. The only bass player exit that has left me in tears was Aaron and sadly, my theory upheld in Locksley's situation too. You will forever be missed Aaron Collins. 

 

We of course, ended up mostly not watching Relient K. I did get to hear the ONE song I knew by them so that was good enough for me. Usually when we go to shows just for the opening bands, I don't get to hear the one song I know: e.g. The Spill Canvas. Eventually we wandered outside where we found ourselves standing next to a a dude who had learned the harsh lesson that the Rave is notorious for not only being shady with bands but how artfully good they are ripping them off. Everyone please add them on myspace - www.mysapce.com/farwell - because I feel bad that they came in completely unaware of the situation they were putting themselves in.

 

I love the Rave to pieces, it will always be my home away from home, but I hate how shiesty they can be to bands who can barely afford to drive there let alone eat up the costs of the unused tickets they end up with. Bah.

 

They turned out to be okay dudes, I only remember a Jordan and a Jesse; not that it matters because they all thought everyone's name was Amanda. Regardless, add them or tell your friends to add them, please? I throw my support to anyone with a good heart and ambition. It's a hard knock life out there man.

 

P.S. Did you pick up the AP magazine yet? What are you waiting for man? I picked my copy after work Monday:

 

Me: *hands magazine to cashier*

Cashier: *raises eyebrow* Well don't you look giddy buying this magazine.

Me: Oh. Well....ha.....

 

If you only knew lady. Oh if you only knew....



1

Rant, Rave....THE RAVE! [September 30, 2008 8:31am]

Holler who saw Hanson this weekend at The Rave?!

Yep. that's what I thought. That's fine. I still had a blast!

Sure the setlist was a little on the bland side. And yes Ike did go out into full depression mode and sang songs of death and despair which only made me, Krista, and Amanda cry because we all lost special grandparents this year. And true, I felt very woozy and weak after the acoustic hour but that aside - a kick ass time was had. I promise it was good. There isn't a hint of sarcasm in my tone.

I actually don't think I ever danced that much at a Hanson show before. Sure I bop around but usually I'm smushed up against a barricade and packed in SO tight that my ribs practically break under the pressure. Normal Hanson scenarios usually only allow me to jump up and down. Not this time. We danced, wiggled our hips 'n shimmied our way through "Can't Stop", danced some more, broke it down Jonathan Cook style, and went into full TWEEN MELTDOWN during "If Only". That song totally took all of our energy. It was like it was 1998 and we were 12 again. Total chaos and screams. Ha.

And then came the infamous emotional breakdown from Ike.

Isaac: *strums guitar* So....not to be morbid or anything ---
Zac: *interrupts* -- but clearly you are going to be.
Isaac: Yep, I'm going to be....

He then reminded us how horrible the AIDS epidemic is in Africa and how not only children lose parents but parents in return lose children. Way to bring down the mood Ike. I chose not to listen to the song and tuned it out pretty good. Then *tada* in an effort to make me cry, Ike then started "Watch Over Me" which, I'll admit, was a favorite of mine off the new album. Sure it's kind of sad but it's also uplifting....until Ike put his morbid stamp on it.

Ike: *in the middle of the song* You know, you gotta live every day like it's your last day. You might not live until tomorrow. You want to live each day to its fullest. COME ON EVERYONE AND SING LIKE THIS THE LAST SONG YOU'LL EVER SIIIIIING!!!!!!"

I wanted to punch him in the throat. That's when I finally broke down and cried. Isaac won. He made us all cry. I hate him.

What else what else....
Can they please start doing better covers?! Please? With the exception of a small handful, their covers are usually pretty lame. Zac looked like it he wanted to shoot himself in the foot during most of the set but during Ike's cover, he looked especially ready take a bullet in the toe. Poor dude.

Ooooh and the new songs!! I love them. I love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love them. They are great. They are perfect. I want them. I'm SO ready for a new album - everyone is - and the songs were embraced by all with open arms. Two thumbs up. Great. So great.

The walk was also pretty great. Isaac and Taylor were in great spirits the entire walk. It was so nice to see. Taylor also gave the most inspirational speech I've heard to date at the midway point. Wow. I wish I would have gotten it on film because it left me completely uplifted and full of life. Props to Taylor and his eloquent way of speaking.  

The boys played for a solid two hours that night which normally calls for a YAY but that meant we didn't leave Milwaukee till after midnight. With a long drive ahead of us, we packed it up pretty fast and chose not to sit by the buses. Poor choices I think because judging by my Hanson facebook friends, everyone was able to get individual photos with Zac. Ooops. Oh well. Who cares at this point anymore? Besides I'm pretty sure the three of us looked like a hot mess because we had all managed to soak our clothes in our own sweat. Blah.

Ending on a positive note, on the way back we determined how lucky we are to be part of such a special thing. Hanson will always hold a special place in our hearts and our times spent at shows are always individually amazing and magical. I don't care if normal people outside our Hanson bubble dislike them; I much prefer it that way. The less people invading our unique fun world, the better. There is nothing like being at one of their shows. While people try to compare my experiences to their own magical experiences with other bands - it's not the same. It's something that can't be understood by anyone unless you are already a part of it.

It's almost cult like but I love it. We have secret handclaps, dances, inside jokes, hand moves, and special quotes that no one else knows that, no doubt, none of us will ever take the time to share it with you. We know every "oo", "ahh", and breath they take.

There is no where else I'd rather be than a Hanson show. And that fact makes me a fan for life through the good and the bad times. To those who laugh in my face and burn their albums - thank you for not taking up space in our special world. There simply isn't enough room for you.

Furthermore to the same people who jeer them in their faces despite all the good they are doing for the world - it jus shows how closed minded you all are. How is it possible that people can't get passed ONE song that was written when the Hanson boys were CHILDREN?  Because that's what they were. Just children.

It makes me angry that people discredit the good Hanson is doing for others just because they can't get over the distaste for a single song. The amount of hostile "hate" type message I got over the weekend for the bulletin/blog I posted makes me ashamed of the world we live in. I'm not asking anyone to be a Hanson fan but I am asking you to look past the music and look at the cause because the cause is bigger than music "issue" - it's bigger than all of us.

So much for ending on a positive note? Awkward.


1

[September 24, 2008 10:46am]
I orignally posted these photos in August of 2005 when my grandfather was on rocky roads. He's been batteling his health on and off for the past 6 years and yesterday.....God let him rest. 

During a time when we should all be together supporting one another, I'm finding my family preparing for battle with each other. 

Bottom line: we aren't going to make the funeral despite all the phone calls, fights, and begging that went on last night and today.  I am, however, proud to report that our entire list of family friends defended my mom with all their hearts and spoke on her behalf last night.

Now it's just a matter of time before my grandmother passes away and all the memories I have of Mexico will be nothing but....well...memories for we'll probably never return to Escuinapa again.




A grandfather and his favorite 5 year old grandaughterCollapse )

I dream of rainy days [September 22, 2008 10:04am]
I forgot how much I adore "Walking By". It's probably one of my top three all time favorite SoCo songs.

Barack Obama is in Green Bay today. I can't go see him because of work. I'm upset and angry. I want to go to an Obama rally SO bad. I've never supported and believed in a politician this much before.

The weather people predicted a high of 80 and partly sunny skies. It's barely 65 degrees and it's overcast beyond belief.

I need a new job.

I wish I had more money.

The new PWT album is mediocore at best. Milo, Dave, Huggy Bear and Tony Gomez....you are still my homeboys but....

Idk. There are no words.

Time for more SoCo melodies.

I still love you Michael Guy [September 16, 2008 10:33pm]
My once straight teeth are becoming somewhat not straight anymore. Oh dear.

My bottom teeth are the ones with the problem which is quite ironic considering that pre-braces they were almost perfect. I had a slight bend in my two front teeth (they turned into to each other creating a "V" like shape) but it was hardly noticeable. The majority of my dental problems were found on the upper portion of my teeth: an overbite and one tooth that was turned out. The tooth that was turned out was in the back of my mouth, out of sight, and my over bite wasn't affecting me at all. Regardless, my parents wanting to give me the very best, took me to get it all fixed.

I had my braces are for less than two years - I got them on in the middle of 6th grade and taken off before 8th grade had barely began - and was fitted for two retainers: A pop out once for my upper teeth and a permanent once for my bottom teeth.

Like most teens, I pretty much stopped wearing my pop out retainer after a few months mostly because I forgot. Remembering to wear you retainer while dealing with the pressures of high school strife AND juggling mass amount of homework is nearly impossible.

I'm happy to say my upper teeth are still in pristine condition despite the fact my pop out retainer doesn't fit anymore. Oops. Perhaps they aren't as pristine as I make them out to be.

Senior year rolled around and *tada* my normally brilliant orthodontist decided that taking out my permanent retainer was the best choice for me. I was adamantly against it even admitting to him that I'd never wear the pop out but he insisted it was for the best and that he had complete faith in my retainer wearing abilities.

Six years later and I am first wearing it now.

My bottom teeth are seriously getting jacked up. I don't think it's TOO noticeable yet but I'm still worried. I'm going to wear this retainer for a week and see if there are any minor improvements but if not, back to the orthodontist I go hoping and praying it doesn't cost a lot of money to fix them. And please oh please god let it NOT involve getting braces again. I'd cry forever.

Anyone else neglect to wear their retainers?

In all honesty, teeth never bothered me. I never look at a person's dental condition *cough MICHAEL GUY cough* however if this past year taught me anything, everyone else - boys, girls, mom's, dad's, grandparents - seem to. Who knew teeth were SUCH a big deal?

EDIT: Upon reviewing my retainer, it appears that my teeth have molded it into a new shape which now mirrors the exact silhouette of my jacked teeth. Consider "Operation Wear Retainer" a total and utter failure.

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